[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af