Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
You Might Also Like
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
car not found
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”