I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
According to math, I’m broke
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.