My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.