My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
umm…
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.