Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
PARKOUR
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Best spot.. 😅
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.