If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.