ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
THIS HEADLINE
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Bros before Ohioes