I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.