Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent