[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My wife gives the best headache.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.