*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’ve had relationships like this
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though