Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.