Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers