can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
scared to check what name she chose
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????