I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this