My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?