He-man has a Masters degree
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up