Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You Might Also Like
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Thoughts
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?