*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.