I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.