Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Why am I like this?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.