Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.