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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
accurate
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell