I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Support your local cemetery
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Cndnsd Mlk
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6