Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
mathematically impossible
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.