Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.