Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Catering service
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?