Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.