peak technology
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
When ur friends with white people