People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My work here is don’t.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?