I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.