My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Overindulged this afternoon.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Battery falling down a hole
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”