“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling