You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.