“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.