cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
mom had nothing to worry about
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone