Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
seems fine
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush