Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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I hope Alan is OK
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
ouch
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
You got this…
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Oceanography is all about current events
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?