Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”