Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it