When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”