“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.