After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.