That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I want this so bad
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.