How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
You Might Also Like
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.