Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
This is I, Robot all over again
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..