shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Coffee is ready.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*