totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning