My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?